This is not a regurgitation of what you’ll find in self-help books. I’ve maybe read a couple books that cover these matters and studied some of these concepts in college. But what you’ll find below and in the ongoing series comes from the heart. This is one topic where I’m perfectly ok saying the guidance I provide derives mostly from my personal experiences. Your own deep personal experiences are an important factor too, so this post is going to be more interactive. I ask a series of yes/no questions, so keep a list and we’ll address those answers in the “Take Action” section below. – Tawnee

Many experts and articles will tell you mental toughness is about going outside your comfort zone. I agree, and at some point I’ll recommend this for you, but it doesn’t always start with that act alone. Of course, doing those uncomfortable acts contributes to building a strong mind—no one will deny that—but, sorry, it doesn’t automatically mean you’re a mental badass. Mental toughness starts from within with self-confidence. Before you even do the physical acts that build mental strength, first you have to get real with yourself and take control of your mind. Don’t worry if you had it backwards. I did too.

For as long as I can remember, I have always been a tough person starting when I was that little tomboy who kept up with the neighborhood boys when other girls wouldn’t even dare. Into adulthood, I’ve always been willing and able to do things that put me outside my comfort zone, whether toeing the line in a freezing cold triathlon, bombing down a black diamond on my snowboard or the scariest of all: public speaking. I may come across as very mentally tough because I’m able to push myself into these uncomfortable situations, but there’s another side to it—a side of me that ignored what mental toughness really meant for all too long.

You see, outwardly I have always done “badass” feats. But internally, I was living distressed for many years due to a faulty mindset. I lacked self-confidence and self-love, and never bothered to develop these things properly, instead choosing just to “be tough.” My exterior appeared tough indeed, but on the inside there was turmoil, anxiety and (irrational) fear. What you didn’t see were all those panic attacks I had and a life consumed by worrisome thoughts. Choosing to be tough on the outside doesn’t make these underlying issues just disappear. I put on façade to fool myself, and others. A life of going hard and “no pain no gain” was the easy part. But getting real with myself? Not so much. It took years.

Question 1: Do you feel reoccurring anxiety, worry and fear even over the smallest things?

Eventually I realized worry, panicky feelings and fear had crept into my daily life and I’d be full of anxiety at the drop of a dime, no chance to react any differently because I didn’t know any differently. It led to many unhealthy habits and behaviors. Finally I realized my definition of mental toughness was missing a huge component: self-confidence and self-love. Truthfully, anyone can figure out how to race a marathon (or replace that with anything that makes you uncomfortable). But often, this is not the solution to our problems; rather, it’s an escape for what really needs to be addressed—our mindset and our relationship with ourselves.

So while having the mental ability to go outside your comfort zone can be a very positive trait, it can also be used for “evil” against yourself and doesn’t always get you closer to self-actualization and mental toughness.

Question 2: Is it easier for you to push hard in a workout rather than sit down and get real with your emotions or personal issues?

What about fear? Fear is tricky. On one hand, it’s totally ok to be afraid when you’re doing crazy things and admit your fears! Fear is a normal, healthy feeling, and nothing over which to be ashamed. Ask big wave surfers, for example. The best ones will fully admit they have fear, but they also have immense power over their minds and can channel that fear into focus, resiliency and respect for the situation, allowing them to do the impossible. The fear response is there for our survival and can kick us into proper action. However, fear can become irrational and for those of us who lack a healthy relationship with fear we may mentally lose it in those pressing times. In other words, if we let our mind run amuck, it will. We have to learn to reel it in.

Question 3: Do you avoid uncomfortable situations?

Question 4: Do you go outside your comfort zone but experience panic attacks or “freeze up” in the process?

Question 5: Have you ever allowed a behavior to continue chronically even though you know deep down it wasn’t the healthiest for you?

Question 6: Have you ever lost control over an unhealthy habit and let it rule your life in some way and cloud your mental space? (i.e. food logging, overtraining?)

There’s a difference between rational fear and irrational fear. Irrational fear can drive irrational thoughts and behavior. There are many manifestations. Some may avoid the uncomfortable situations all together and develop fear avoidance. Not me. Personally, my irrational fears were a motivating force that drove me to push myself very hard in a multitude of ways. I had an attitude of “no pain, no gain.” I’ve done “amazing” things but not necessarily with the healthiest mindset. I was not addressing nor solving some bigger underlying issues. I was just running from those things—literally and metaphorically. I’m sure many athletes can relate.

Question 7: Do you exercise/train or do your sport for stress relief or to avoid a problem in your life?

This “no pain no gain” ignores our true needs and puts our external image at the forefront (i.e. what we want others to see and perceive of us). In fact, “no pain no gain” is actually the epitome of mental weakness in my opinion because it is an example of succumbing to social stressors and following the “herd.” It’s our way to try and gain acceptance and prove to others we are tough. “No pain no gain” is a cop-out in my opinion and it doesn’t solve any problems; rather, it’s an easy way to run away from your issues without fully addressing them and just jump on a bandwagon. Eventually it all catches up to where you simply can’t push like that anymore. In my own case, ultimately I had to take a step back to work on me because I wasn’t being true nor kind to myself. Yes, there is some pain involved in that process, but it’s not defined by this “no pain no gain” mantra.

Question 8: Do you post your workout stats (mileage, volume/time, intensity, etc.) on social media? 

Maybe you’re like me: You think doing the act is enough to be mentally tough. I had no problem putting myself out there, and building an impressive resume of accomplishments. But on the inside? Anxiety, fear, worry all dominated. I’ve had my share of breakdowns where my mind just wasn’t strong enough to prevail: panic attacks, doubt and worry for days on end, or pushing myself so hard that it had a negative effect on my physical wellbeing and health. Mental toughness means knowing the right things to do for your own wellbeing, thus being “tough enough” to rest for example. Most athletes will relate: It’s easy to train day in and day out, it’s the rest days that are the hardest.

Question 9: Do you workout even when you’re physically exhausted and sore? If you have a coach, do you “fib” to show you’re more recovered than you really are?

The point is: Our mental toughness starts with gaining control over our minds; it’s not defined by how hard we can push or how often we can go outside the comfort zone. Those latter variables are important, but if the foundation is lacking—control over our minds—the end goals won’t be actualized.

I see many people who have the physical strength and talent to execute amazing feats but they’re a wreck on the inside. I empathize and am not bashing, but rather want to provide another solution. Instead of signing up for a 100-mile race as the answer, how about working on YOU first.

I am certain that I never got to my potential in triathlon because I lacked proper mental toughness and confidence, and was often fueled by fear of failing (or what I perceived as failure) and what others would think of me. In the sports psych world, we talk about two main motivators: 1) motivation to succeed even at the risk of failure, aka the “need to achieve,” or 2) the “need to avoid failure,” with failure often defined by extrinsic variables. The former are more task-oriented and are motivated based on their own achievements, i.e. setting personal bests. The latter, on the other hand, are usually related to ego-oriented people who measure success based on rankings and comparisons to others. It probably is not rocket science to realize that the former—the need to achieve—is what we want. If you’re motivated to beat someone else or to avoid failing, it will certainly result in disaster at some point, even if that means living in mental angst.

Meanwhile, don’t feel like you’re either one or the other. You may have intrinsic and extrinsic motivations—I was motivated intrinsically and extrinsically. But for a long time I let the ego rule, and that kept me training in a state of fear because god forbid I lose my competitive edge in the field.

Question 10: Do you consider your ranking and/or end result in a race or competition as a main driving factor? 

Furthermore, this doesn’t have to just be about sport, it can be anything in your life. Another common example is body composition. Are you motivated intrinsically to build a health body no matter what that ends up looking like as long as you know you’re super healthy inside? Or are you motivated to build a body that can be categorized under this idea of aesthetic perfection—in other words, do you define your satisfaction with your body based on other “fit” bodies you see?

Question 11: Have you ever restricted your eating to control the shape of your body?

Question 12: Do you feel better about yourself the leaner you are?

I say screw society’s standards and be true to yourself. Build health not aesthetics. Same for sport: Build fitness appropriate to what’s right and healthy for you—whether that puts you in the front, middle or back of the pack.

Take Action: Identify Problems

First, tally up your answers. If you have more than 5 “yes” responses it’s time to get real with yourself. The best way to do this is to write down your thoughts. Even if you don’t consider yourself a good writer or journaling isn’t your thing, I promise this doesn’t require any major writing skills. Just start with a list. For example, if you answered “yes” to question 1, list some of the things that recently triggered your anxiety or fear. Then rank these issues (put numbers next to each) based on how extreme your reaction was.

And one more step: Rank these issues based on how important you think they are in the grand scheme of life. If there’s a disconnect (for example, you had a severe anxiety attack when you couldn’t find the pen you had been using to write a grocery list, but recognize now that the pen was not super important) try to explain why you had this reaction.

Be as objective as possible, assess your behaviors and actions and ask if what you’re doing is in your best interest. Once you’ve listed out your problems and do some basic writing about them, it becomes so much easier to face your inner demons because they’re no longer chaotically in your head but real things that you can see on paper and deal with.

12 Strategies to Start Building Mental Toughness From Within

This is not from a book. This is from real life, MY life, and all the steps I took to overcome demons and build mental toughness. Have patience; all in all, these things took place over the course of years. Don’t feel like you need to do it all in 48 hours.

1. BE PRESENT

Being present and in the moment will free your mind and open doors to a more fulfilling life. There is no doubt about it. When we lose mental toughness, when we become anxious, when we’re depressed, that is ALL because we’re not focusing on the present. When we get stuck in what ifs, should haves, and/or anticipating catastrophic outcomes despite no evidence of that being the case, that is not focusing on the present. Cultivate presence through meditation, and this will become easier with time.

2. Face yourself and your demons

  • I’ve had several “self-interventions” in my years. Each time, I took a step back and said it’s time to make changes because what I’m doing is not in the best interest of my short-term or long-term wellbeing, nor am I able to be my best self living in these conditions.
  • No denial—be open to accepting anything, all your flaws and try not to make excuses or justifications.
  • Acceptance—it is what it is. Don’t get stuck in the past, move on.

3. Don’t overtrain!

  • Sounds crazy, but many of us need to avoid excess exercise as an escape or way to ignore bigger issues. The self-worth we gain from an epic training or race day doesn’t fix our root problems (which have nothing to do with sport) and that adrenaline-high doesn’t last long.
  • Cognitive health declines the more we overtrain. You have no chance of getting stronger inside if you’re mistreating your body. Think about how fuzzy your head is when you’re nearing the end of a long training session or race. Just remembering to drink/fuel is difficult! Brain fog—which is chronic when you’re in an overtrained state—is not conducive to self-reflection.

4. Be vulnerable and let the tears flow

  • You don’t always have to be tough as nails. Trust me, you’re better off this way. I had to learn that the hard way.
  • Crying leads to healing. Don’t hold it in!
  • In fact, don’t bottle up any of your emotions. Let them out! And don’t be afraid of letting loved ones see you when you’re emotional. Take away the part of your ego that says, “I can’t let them see me vulnerable!” Accept the hugs, comfort, and kindness of those who are close to you. Allow them to help you.

5. Fill your head with positivity

  • Don’t feed yourself negative thoughts. A classic one: “If I don’t finish XYZ, then I’m weak.” Forget that, because…
  • You have a choice to put a positive spin on everything. When something bad happens, tell yourself, “Good” and figure out what lesson or positive can come out of that situation. You are in the driver’s seat and have a choice in your happiness.
  • Don’t victimize yourself. Many people I know often tell themselves it’s not their fault if they’re unhappy because they were a victim of circumstances out of their control. Ok, so maybe something horrible did happen in your life but you still have a choice to move on and be positive!

6. Just a little ego

  • Ok, so not all ego is bad! I think a bit of healthy ego boosts your self-confidence. So don’t worry if a little of your motivation is ego-driven or if you want to engage in some healthy competition with others. Just don’t let that ego of yours get inflated.

7. Don’t be too serious and have some fun

  • Honestly, the best thing I’ve done for myself is to not take my sh*t too seriously and have the ability to laugh about it. Even in overcoming an eating disorder, a very serious matter, I’ve used laughter and lightheartedness as “therapy.”
  • If you can poke fun at yourself and your quarks, faults or problems, you’ll instantly feel better. Don’t believe me? Just try.

8. Put your wellbeing first

  • There is a relationship between mental toughness and wellbeing. Those who are mentally tough are more committed to their wellbeing—psychological and physical.
  • Sometimes this means saying “no” or not always doing what we want in the moment if it makes us better off in the long run.

9. Live up to your own expectations…

  • …Not those of others.
  • Make sure your expectations are fair and only concerning YOU! It doesn’t matter what others are doing or what they think you should be doing Just focus on your needs. You do what you need to do for yourself, on your terms.

10. Don’t let others define your happiness or worth

  • It’s easy to get stuck in the comparison game, look at others and their apparent happiness, and let this dictate how we feel about our own lives. Well that’s just silly, for way too many reasons to sit here and list.
  • Take a break from social media if you think that may help—not only to avoid the bombardment of “my perfect life” and “my perfect body” photos, but also to scale back on your own posts, which can be a trap when you start to let “likes” or comments define your happiness.

11. Be comfortable in your own skin

  • Any shape, size or speed—it doesn’t matter! Don’t try to be someone you’re not. If you know you’re being true to health and wellness it doesn’t matter how you appear or what pace you can hold.
  • Many times we think we should be a certain weight but these are just arbitrary numbers. Instead, live a healthy life and let your body settle into its natural weight. If that weight ends up being a bit more than you think it should be, then embrace the reality! I have!
  • If you don’t like what you see in the mirror, this needs to be a huge priority in taking steps toward self-acceptance and self-love.
  • Confidence is the new sexy—this is what will make you go from good to great in life.

12. Frequent check-ins

  • We’re not perfect and can’t solve things overnight. These things take time. Change is a process, not a result. Be open-minded to the investment you’re making.
  • I’ve made many mistakes or simply slipped up and reverted to old habits along the way. Scheduling regular check-ins with myself helps me recognize when or if I’ve slipped up and need to get back on track. If it helps, actually schedule this weekly or monthly on your calendar.
  • Sometimes it can help to have these check-ins with another person. A coach, partner, sibling, parent, or close friend can be a great sounding-board. One of my athletes scheduled weekly walks or hikes with a friend, who was also working through his own issues, and they’d spend the walk discussing their wins, slip-ups, and plans for self-growth.

 

Move on to part 2 by clicking here.